4. Starting Again Michelle “Honey, what’s with the suitcase?” Seeing the worry on my mother’s face, I couldn’t help it. I broke down in tears. I could lie to anyone, but not to her. “I moved out. I’m filing for divorce.” Her expression freezes. She gently takes my arm and leads me inside. “Divorce? What are you talking about? Did you fight with Ryan?” I shake my head. We didn’t even get to that point. “No, Mom. We didn’t fight; I just got tired. Tired of being just decoration, of being someone who’s there for his convenience, but not valuable enough to be loved. I’m worn out by his indifference and coldness.” I pause. What comes next hurts more than anything else. “Ryan has a lover. And Candace wants her father and that woman to be together.” My mother stifles a gasp, bringing a hand to her mouth. “That can’t be true! Candace is your daughter.” I smiled bitterly. If it weren’t for the fact that she looks so much like me physically, I might think they would have given me another child at birth. “I heard it from her own mouth.” I take out my phone and search through the gallery. I handed it to her with trembling hands. My mother looks at the images and pales even more than she already was. “My God! I always felt Candace was distant from her, but I attributed it to her relationship with her father. Now I see it’s something much deeper. I’m so sorry, daughter.” “I’m sorry too,” I whispered. I lower my gaze. “That’s why I left before they came back. I don’t want to see them, not now.” My mother hesitates before speaking. “Are you going to leave the path clear for them? Are you going to let that woman take your life, everything you’ve built?” I manage a bitter smile. “My life? That sounds like a cruel joke, Mom. No, I’m not leaving them anything. I’m just freeing them to be happy. I’m still young, and I’m not going to stay crying over something that should never have been. I tried, I did everything I could. But if I don’t start loving myself, I’ll end up believing my life has no value.” I take a deep breath and continue. “Ryan and she have been together for three years. Do you realize? Three years of lies! Years in which he looked me in the eyes without blinking, pretending everything was fine. And Candace… Candace prefers me not to be around.” I wrapped my arms around myself. “It’s time for them to start their new life. I’ll find mine.” Seeing my mother cry pains me. I reached out and wiped her tears. I don’t want her to suffer for me. ***** I only took a few things from my marital home, and they fit in two suitcases. I go to my old room at my parents’ house to settle them. As soon as I enter, I feel as if I’ve arrived in a different world. Time seems to rewind many years, to when I was an innocent young girl full of dreams. When happiness was simple, when I felt unconditionally loved. I look around and wonder: Where did that little girl go? At what point did I let my dreams and desires slip away? I open the closet to store my things and discover that there are still many items I left behind when I left. Perhaps I inherited the habit of accumulating tangible memories from my parents. I smile at what remains: an old XXS skating outfit, unimaginable on my current body; one of my last school uniforms, which probably should have been donated long ago; hair accessories I once adored, along with many other small memories encapsulated in objects. I closed my eyes for a moment. It’s as if my parents left everything untouched, waiting for my return. As I place my shoes in their spot, I notice a box hidden in the back. I take it out with curiosity and discover it’s filled with papers and notes. At the bottom, there’s an album. I take it, and it’s as if a time spiral pulls me back to 2005. I was a young woman full of hopes, about to enter university. My greatest joy was gliding across the ice rink, feeling the wind caress my face as I spun. And then, it all comes back to me. I remember the afternoon Ryan came into my life. We bumped into each other when we both tried to open the school tranning area’s door. “Sorry. Are you okay?” I looked up at the sound of his voice and saw him. That was the most charming face I’ve ever seen at that time. But he was soon calls out by a voice from the rink and left. “Love! You made it.”  It turned out that he was just there to see his girlfriend, Blake Sullivan, one of the new girls on the team. I gave one last look toward the handsome guy. And strangely enough, he turns and smiles at me. My young and inexperienced heart skipped a beat. I think it’s what they call love at first sight. I snap the album shut and let out a sigh. I sit on the edge of the bed and run my hands over my face, as if I could erase the memories that have just flooded me. It’s ironic how images from the past can seem so vivid, almost as if you could touch them, as if you could go back to them and do something different. I stay like that for a moment, holding the album as if it weighs a ton. Then, with a lump in my throat, I place it on the nightstand. Despite everything, I’m still here. I keep moving forward. The creak of the door opening pulls me out of my thoughts. My mom comes in with a cup of hot tea and a sympathetic look. She sits next to me and watches me in silence for a moment. “Daughter, being here doesn’t mean you’ve gone backwards. Sometimes we need to return to our starting point to remember who we are and find the strength to move forward.” Her words hit me like a ton of bricks. I look at her and see the love in her eyes, the love that has never been lacking. I hug her and let the tears I’ve been holding back flow freely. Maybe my story isn’t over. Maybe it’s just starting over.